Polkadots: how I was created..

When I was younger I realized I didn't want to fit that..suburban kid mould. My parents wanted me to be this cookie cutter A+ student.

Polkadots was a fantasy character of myself I envisioned in my head. I wanted to stand up for what was right. I decided to say fuck the rules everyone else created I'm making MY OWN FUCKING RULE BOOK. That's exactly what I did. I put aside what everyone else would think and I did it for myself. How I look is not for attention I did what I was comfortable for me. Polkadots came to life. I never thought.. she'd become a real life character. I never thought I'd have the guts to do it. I recently cut my hair so its more fuzzy and 3D and changed my make up. I've retired the blue eye shadow. fuck that shit. Polkadots 2.0 has arrived. New style. New Swaggggg<3
Polkadots was my alter ego. I actually never had a name for her but in high school. . I used to wear polkadots a lot so the nickname stuck when other people called me Polkadots. Like nicki minaj I have different personalities. Some days I wants pink and sparkles and other days I want bats and coffins. I always love rap and rock. I'm a fucking music junkie. Music keeps me alive. I write a lot of lyrics.  I remember when I wanted to shop in hot topic my parents said no you're not a gothic freak. Clothing does not make me who I am... I grew up watching nightmare before christmas every day after pre school.

If I ever die...which some day I will. I want people to remember what I stood for. Anti Racism. Anti Homophobe. Accept everyone. Do not judge people without knowing them. Be yourself and as long as you love who you are thats what truly matters. Who wants ignorant judgmental people for friends any way? I certainly don't. I will not judge somebody until I get to know them for myself. You know why? SO many people have judged me and created rumors without getting to know me. I know how shitty it feels so I will never do it to anybody else. I used to be put on internet tabloids, full of hurtful things people would say about me. At first I was hurt then I realized, these people don't know me and if they actually got to know the real me they wouldn't say those terrible things. I am nothing like people assume I am. People think oh she's some scene suburban girl. Not AT ALL. i hate scene music and all that shit. i live for rap. i do listen to old school rock .. well linkin park three days grace..that stuff. I love being in the hood of my city. You know why? People are real out there. they actually work for shit they have...they're not spoiled ass holes who expect things to be handed to them I like real ass guys .. puerto ricans..black guys who look like wiz khalifa and chris brown <3 :] yummm. okay well im sippin so i better go. haha

mind or heart?

Its raining, in a way the weather must've been meant to be. The clouds will do what my eyes refuse.

Its like attending a funeral for my own heart.  gag me, that sounds emo as fuck but I feel like today
I just realized, I can't always make things go the way I want. I can't force someone to care about me.
Sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.
I've completely given up now. I was driving down the high way
I left behind memories and it feels like I left my heart there too.
How can I feel this empty? In a city with so many people, the "good" people no longer exist.

My heart says don't give up just keep trying its all going to be okay.
Then my mind says.. (insert my real name here.) Nothing is going to change, you're better off walking away
than wasting more time and getting hurt over and over.

Why is walking away from someone we care about so hard? Its like an abusive owner hurting their dog. The dog sticks around with no way out. In this case I have a way out. I guess I am a hopeless romantic and a tiny piece of me hopes for change.

Its like a constant battle within myself, it keeps me awake at night. I have insomnia and I stay up all night thinking what ifs...it drives me crazy.


I don't post this for attention I post this for people to relate to. You're not alone. My life is ... upside down. My life story...get fucked over. meet someone new get fucked over. At least I keep my friends close. I have a few close friends I think I'm quite hard to get close to in real life. Only because I hate to admit it but I am afraid to get hurt. There's only so much a person can take you know?

I feel like I try to be the best person  I can be ... to my friends...to the person I like. Making sure they're safe, have a ride home, not out in the cold. Making sure they have food. I feel like I have wings on my back. Some people like to rip them off and beat me down but I just keep getting back up some how.

After all I've been through so many people say.. Wow how have you stayed alive and kept going? Honestly, I have no idea. Music...shopping...the few friends I have...family. Appreciating little things we don't ever really think about. My life isn't the worst. I'm blessed to have a few close friends family food..shelter. You know?


I guess I'll go with my mind and try to tell my heart to SHUT THE FUCK UP. I can't let myself be mistreated and manipulated. Its so hard when you care about someone and they don't see how lucky they are to have you. So many people here love to create rumors about me.. and call me mean things but I know who I am.

An honest, genuine, good hearted person who will never lie or hurt anyone because I would not want that done to me. I am a firm believer in "treat others how you want to be treated." Maybe it comes with maturity and life experience. I've changed so much since high school, even since last year. Wow, I feel old high school seems like an eternity ago. I don't talk to a single person from my high school. They all still claim they know who I am and how I am but the truth is Only 2 people besides my family REALLY know me and thats my two closest best friends. I just keep hoping things will get better but I don't know how I can make that change.

Relationships, love, and bullshit.

So I'm sitting here. Plenty of time to think because I'm at home and I'm sick. (FML.)
The more I think about everything..the more I realize.
 I just keep replaying thoughts over and over.
Not many girls are out there that are like me.
Maybe a few but I know for a fact they don't live in my city.
Anyways, I am the type of person when I care about somebody, I do EVERYTHING for them.
I go above and beyond. For example, my ex. . . I cleaned his house watched his kid, took care of his friends, his pets. EVERYTHING. I gave him rides to places when he needed them. What did I get in return? LIED TO.
No longer will I be somebody's door mat they can just walk all over.
Why should I put in so much effort only to get nothing in return. Don't I deserve someone who appreciates everything I do? I look at it this way. I don't take people for granted. You know why? Someone could leave the house tomorrow and die in a car accident and the last memory you'll have is you treating that person like shit. Its scary to think we could all die at any time but, I don't sugar coat shit. I'm a realistic person.
I'm tired of guys taking me for granted. I feel like my city is doomed. Where are the men who actually care about relationships and don't just use people? Is it so much to ask for a sexy guy with a good personality. You can never win. Its like my life is a cycle. Meet a cute guy...start to fall for him he ends up being a total douche bag. Its exhausting and I don't want my life to go that way anymore. I just wish people were more honest and didn't claim to be someone they're not. As for me, I don't claim to be anybody I'm not. I'm not just  claiming to be honest, I actually am. Sometimes too fucking honest. I wish people would stop pretending to be someone they're not. If my exs would've said hi I'm a complete ass hole and I'm going to totally screw you over. That would've saved me some time. I feel like a loner in this city. Every day I hear about this person screwing over that one. I know its not just me. I just don't understand the men here. If you have a good girl, she's honest and willing to do anything to make you happy...does things for you without you having to ask...treats you like a king. WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU PASS THAT UP? If I could find a guy who had all the qualities I have, I would never let him go.

I don't understand. Guys often date girls who cheat, lie, create drama, and I'm thinking to myself, why does he go for that when he can have so much better? I'm not trying to sound cocky or anything its just I know I am not like other girls because I see how they act and I could never be like that. Hence why I don't hang out with any except...maybe 2.

I'm just too different for this city. I'm not a liar. I'm not a cheater. I'm not a clingy drama filled bitch who expects a guy to do everything for her. It just confuses me. I guess I just needed to get that out of my system. Now I feel better. I guess I'll just wait for "prince charming." I just don't get where all the honest good looking men have gone. Maybe they don't make that breed any more, like an awesome food in the store they stop selling. Oh, and I hate those stupid fairy tale movies. They fill children's heads with hopes and make life and love seem so easy and great. Fuck that. Sleeping Beauty? Yeah right, she'd be asleep for a day before "prince charming" went out and found the next broad at the club. The Little Mermaid? Yeah right he wouldn't turn her into a human he'd keep her ass in the water and find another bitch on land. I'm beginning to think an honest guy who's good looking doesn't exist. I feel like a dying breed myself.

Honest, good looking.. (I'm not conceited I just have confidence...most days.)
I don't fall for men's manipulative BULLSHIT either.
Typical scenario. Guy hurts girl. guy says "awh babe i love you i didn't mean it."
girl falls for bullshit line and takes guy back. girl gets fucked over again.

IF a guy loves you he would never hurt you in the first place. women need
to stop being so naive thinking a guy will change for you. sweet heart he didn't change he just
got better at lying. once a liar always a liar. Hence why I will never be like that. Liars are scum bags.

not what a girl wants. what this girl wants

So I'm on facebook, I get this gross message. "Hey you're hot wanna F***."
Reply: BLOCK BUTTON.
Guys, is that supposed to impress a girl?

I don't even get a... you know... Hey my name is....I liked your page I'd like to get to know you and talk to you sometime?

What..is the world just becoming a place for just sex? What happened to relationships?
If you're trying to impress me, you failed. Sorry! I'm not just about hooking up. I would like to find someone worth my time. Ugh. I was actually disgusted. Sorry, if you're that easy you may want to go to a local std testing clinic. Secondly, over facebook? You've got to be kidding meeee. How desperate. Ick. I hate online creepers. I get plently of the "hey you're hot" messages. Most of them never get a response. Ever. Being a whore isn't going to impress me.

If a guy wants to impress me....its not too hard. Someone who is attractive, has a good personality, and not a whore? Not just a hey wanna F***? Last I checked I'm not standing on a corner. I'm too old for the stupid.. lets see how many girls we can get game that  immature guys like to play. I won't be someone's door mat either. I feel like more girls need to have self respect. Sure bikini pictures and stuff are okay, thats not trashy. There are girls who have just their hands covering their boobs posted on facebook. Come on now. As for me I have bra photos but thats as far as it goes. Let me explain, girls wear bikinis outside, my bra is my bikini. I wouldn't ever get naked though and post the pictures online like some girls actually have.  Plus i take pride in my Victoria's Secret bras. I'm not doing "dirty" poses or anything I kinda just took them for myself because I like to be proud of my body. It's not like my boobs are showing or anything. Girls who have naked pictures online.. ick. So when you go home to your guy its not special because everyone has seen your crotch.

When I date a guy I treat him like a king. Now its just about meeting a guy who is worthy of that treatment.

Bottom line. The world is not just about sex. Sure sex is great, but what happened to relationships? No one has morals these days its like everyone cheats on everyone and I'm sitting here thinking to myself what is happening to the world?!!? Where have all the relationship worthy men gone!? Even relationship worthy girls for the guys!!! A lot of girls I have seen here are either too into drama, act psycho, or are slutty. I'm none of those, thank god. I can't really hang out with girls because I could  never be like that. I'm girly but I'm not catty bitchy or slutty. I'm not saying all girls are like that just most I know of. Its no wonder everyones getting screwed over. Sometimes literally. People claim to be honest when in reality they're some of the biggest liars I've ever met. For example, my most recent ex (name remains anonymous) told me "bae i keep it 100 all the time I'll never lie to you Ima gentleman." PFFFFFFFFT that lasted two weeks. Until I caught him talking to some heavy girl behind my back. I give credit where it is due. I suppose if she was pretty with a decent personality I would feel bad. All I could do was laugh. She randomly attacked me over facebook telling me I couldn't talk to him at all and he was with her now. Can you be any more immature? I didn't even know who she was and she wasn't even on my friend list! They lasted about a week. I was pretty upset at first then I realized I deserve a REAL man not someone who just CLAIMS TO BE REAL.

So all I'm saying is, If you want to impress someone, be yourself and sorry but being a liar and a whore will not get you far. At least not in my book.

this makes you think

UGH this computer is as slow as a turtle.
UGH I have so many bills to pay.
UGH I'm chilly but I don't feel like getting a hoodie.
UGH I don't feel like working tomorrow.
UGH I'm single and most of the guys here are liars!!!!!!!
Typical complaints right?

Think of this. Some days, I do this too, even the smallest problem can seem so big.
At least you have a home, a roof over your head.
At least you have food in your stomach, you have clothes.
At least you have a job! (well, maybe not if you're not old enough but you'll get there, enjoy the freedom of a social life while you can.)
At least you have this computer you're on right now to read this.
Some people are DYING of starvation. Some people are DYING of cancer. Some people don't even have arms and legs. Often I find myself taking small things for granted that we normally don't notice. Yes I have.. tons of stress in my life but I guess I'm trying to find a way to make things alright.

Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and not feel good enough. Then I remember, the person who made me feel that way is no better than I am. No one is superior to anyone else. If someone doesn't treat you how you should be treated chances are they don't deserve you anyways. I guess all I'm trying to say is don't take people or things for granted. One day someone may be here and the next they're gone. Its scary isn't it?

I admit it being single can totally suck a** sometimes but I'm still hoping there's someone out there.
Believe me, I've had my fair share of liars and cheaters. Still, I haven't given up on EVERYONE. Maybe he's not in Rochester New York but I know not every guy is a lying scum bag.

you should all read this. about me. thoughts on cheaters, racism, homophobes.

I'm Polkadots, about to be 21. Welcome to my diary.


So, Today made me REALLYYYY think about, everything. I guess I have too big of a heart. I want to meet new people and get away or something. I feel like living here in this city, is not really living at all. So many people here have that same mentality. That selfish "its all about me." I have a big heart and its often taken for granted.


I am a very VERY honest person and not many people here are like that. Sometimes I wonder if theres a secret a** hole society and they all decided to move to the city I live in.  So many people here lie just to get what they want. Its funny, a girl I know called me saying she got cheated on, she took her boyfriend back. I told her when she originally called me "Don't go back to him, you're wasting your time, if he really loved you he wouldn't have ever done that to you." Sure enough, they ended up breaking up because he didn't stop cheating, he got better at lying. She wasted about two years. If you stay with someone who cheats you're only preventing yourself from meeting the right person who WON'T do that. I went back to a cheater one time. It got me NO WHERE. I learned my lesson there.
I feel like if I'm not enough for you, guess what? YOU DON'T DESERVE ME. I feel like the only honest girl here, one that doesn't create drama, or cheat, or lie. I feel too grown to play immature games. I don't care about how much money someone has or where he's from. If he is a honest guy and attractive then great. (My type is usually Puerto Rican or Black. :] ) I've dated a few white guys and asian guys but I find Puerto Ricans and Black guys attractive. (Uhmm like Diggy Simmons, did you see him in the mindless behavior video for Mrs Right? HELLO!) Trey Songz, Wiz Khalifa, the list can go on and on.


Anyways, from that day on, I realized I am NEVER going to let someone walk all over me and take me for granted. Someone who truly loves me will deserve me. I see so many people "staying together for the kids" and being miserable. Truthfully, you should seperate and be with someone who makes you happy, in the long run its better for the child because then your kid isn't around arguing and fighting all the time. My parents are divorced. My mother is much happier and even got re-married and I have a little half brother. My sister has the same father I have and we turned out okay. (I think.)  I had a rather F***ed up childhood but with that I took it as a learning experience. My Mom also got diagnosed with breast cancer which is still very hard to deal with. It tought me I shouldn't take people for granted. When others go through hard times and need advice I am there. Today I really stood up for myself and it felt good. Someone made a racist comment and I made sure that it was taken care of. I do not tolerate racism or homophobic comments. Racism is beyond stupid. Skin color is just that. Skin color. It doesn't make a person who they are. There are good and bad people in every single race. Homophobes are also ignorant. The only difference between gay and straight is what a person is attracted to sexually. If you're a straight person (like myself) you have nothing to do with a gay person's sexual life so it doesn't affect you any ways!!! I'm straight but I love the gay community. I also love people of all races. There is beauty in every culture. People do not have to "date within their race." This is 2011 I can date who ever the hell I please, I do not care what "color" someone is. A human is a human.


Anyways, a little bit about me, I'm about to be 21. I have black hair, green eyes. I used to wear my hair big a lot now I do it rarely, when I feel like it. I don't judge people before getting to know them and I believe people should look however they please because as long as you like yourself thats what matters. If people hate on you, you don't want friends like that anyway. A lot of people know who I am because of Myspace. They know my name but not who I REALLY AM. People love to spread rumors because they still play immature high school games. All I think to myself is, let that haters talk shi* because at the end of the day I'm not the ignorant fool, I don't judge others without knowing them.


 Ask me anything I'll tell you the truth in a heart beat.  Extremely honest, I've been through hell & back if you ever need someone to talk to I'm here for advice, hit me up on facebook. www.facebook.com/polkadotskaulitz  Everyone asks did you get your hair from Bill Kaulitz? NO! I had big hair before I knew who he was and I did it because I liked Visual Kei bands. I used to listen to a lot of rock now I really love rap music.


Oh and as for my love life, I'm single. Looking for a guy with swagggg. (and honesty!!) Actually No, I'm not looking I'm going to let him find me! :] ( I doubt anyone will find me in this damn city, I am the only honest person here. Party of one.)


more blogs to come, this is all for now. <3