Polkadots: how I was created..

When I was younger I realized I didn't want to fit that..suburban kid mould. My parents wanted me to be this cookie cutter A+ student.

Polkadots was a fantasy character of myself I envisioned in my head. I wanted to stand up for what was right. I decided to say fuck the rules everyone else created I'm making MY OWN FUCKING RULE BOOK. That's exactly what I did. I put aside what everyone else would think and I did it for myself. How I look is not for attention I did what I was comfortable for me. Polkadots came to life. I never thought.. she'd become a real life character. I never thought I'd have the guts to do it. I recently cut my hair so its more fuzzy and 3D and changed my make up. I've retired the blue eye shadow. fuck that shit. Polkadots 2.0 has arrived. New style. New Swaggggg<3
Polkadots was my alter ego. I actually never had a name for her but in high school. . I used to wear polkadots a lot so the nickname stuck when other people called me Polkadots. Like nicki minaj I have different personalities. Some days I wants pink and sparkles and other days I want bats and coffins. I always love rap and rock. I'm a fucking music junkie. Music keeps me alive. I write a lot of lyrics.  I remember when I wanted to shop in hot topic my parents said no you're not a gothic freak. Clothing does not make me who I am... I grew up watching nightmare before christmas every day after pre school.

If I ever die...which some day I will. I want people to remember what I stood for. Anti Racism. Anti Homophobe. Accept everyone. Do not judge people without knowing them. Be yourself and as long as you love who you are thats what truly matters. Who wants ignorant judgmental people for friends any way? I certainly don't. I will not judge somebody until I get to know them for myself. You know why? SO many people have judged me and created rumors without getting to know me. I know how shitty it feels so I will never do it to anybody else. I used to be put on internet tabloids, full of hurtful things people would say about me. At first I was hurt then I realized, these people don't know me and if they actually got to know the real me they wouldn't say those terrible things. I am nothing like people assume I am. People think oh she's some scene suburban girl. Not AT ALL. i hate scene music and all that shit. i live for rap. i do listen to old school rock .. well linkin park three days grace..that stuff. I love being in the hood of my city. You know why? People are real out there. they actually work for shit they have...they're not spoiled ass holes who expect things to be handed to them I like real ass guys .. puerto ricans..black guys who look like wiz khalifa and chris brown <3 :] yummm. okay well im sippin so i better go. haha

mind or heart?

Its raining, in a way the weather must've been meant to be. The clouds will do what my eyes refuse.

Its like attending a funeral for my own heart.  gag me, that sounds emo as fuck but I feel like today
I just realized, I can't always make things go the way I want. I can't force someone to care about me.
Sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.
I've completely given up now. I was driving down the high way
I left behind memories and it feels like I left my heart there too.
How can I feel this empty? In a city with so many people, the "good" people no longer exist.

My heart says don't give up just keep trying its all going to be okay.
Then my mind says.. (insert my real name here.) Nothing is going to change, you're better off walking away
than wasting more time and getting hurt over and over.

Why is walking away from someone we care about so hard? Its like an abusive owner hurting their dog. The dog sticks around with no way out. In this case I have a way out. I guess I am a hopeless romantic and a tiny piece of me hopes for change.

Its like a constant battle within myself, it keeps me awake at night. I have insomnia and I stay up all night thinking what ifs...it drives me crazy.


I don't post this for attention I post this for people to relate to. You're not alone. My life is ... upside down. My life story...get fucked over. meet someone new get fucked over. At least I keep my friends close. I have a few close friends I think I'm quite hard to get close to in real life. Only because I hate to admit it but I am afraid to get hurt. There's only so much a person can take you know?

I feel like I try to be the best person  I can be ... to my friends...to the person I like. Making sure they're safe, have a ride home, not out in the cold. Making sure they have food. I feel like I have wings on my back. Some people like to rip them off and beat me down but I just keep getting back up some how.

After all I've been through so many people say.. Wow how have you stayed alive and kept going? Honestly, I have no idea. Music...shopping...the few friends I have...family. Appreciating little things we don't ever really think about. My life isn't the worst. I'm blessed to have a few close friends family food..shelter. You know?


I guess I'll go with my mind and try to tell my heart to SHUT THE FUCK UP. I can't let myself be mistreated and manipulated. Its so hard when you care about someone and they don't see how lucky they are to have you. So many people here love to create rumors about me.. and call me mean things but I know who I am.

An honest, genuine, good hearted person who will never lie or hurt anyone because I would not want that done to me. I am a firm believer in "treat others how you want to be treated." Maybe it comes with maturity and life experience. I've changed so much since high school, even since last year. Wow, I feel old high school seems like an eternity ago. I don't talk to a single person from my high school. They all still claim they know who I am and how I am but the truth is Only 2 people besides my family REALLY know me and thats my two closest best friends. I just keep hoping things will get better but I don't know how I can make that change.

Relationships, love, and bullshit.

So I'm sitting here. Plenty of time to think because I'm at home and I'm sick. (FML.)
The more I think about everything..the more I realize.
 I just keep replaying thoughts over and over.
Not many girls are out there that are like me.
Maybe a few but I know for a fact they don't live in my city.
Anyways, I am the type of person when I care about somebody, I do EVERYTHING for them.
I go above and beyond. For example, my ex. . . I cleaned his house watched his kid, took care of his friends, his pets. EVERYTHING. I gave him rides to places when he needed them. What did I get in return? LIED TO.
No longer will I be somebody's door mat they can just walk all over.
Why should I put in so much effort only to get nothing in return. Don't I deserve someone who appreciates everything I do? I look at it this way. I don't take people for granted. You know why? Someone could leave the house tomorrow and die in a car accident and the last memory you'll have is you treating that person like shit. Its scary to think we could all die at any time but, I don't sugar coat shit. I'm a realistic person.
I'm tired of guys taking me for granted. I feel like my city is doomed. Where are the men who actually care about relationships and don't just use people? Is it so much to ask for a sexy guy with a good personality. You can never win. Its like my life is a cycle. Meet a cute guy...start to fall for him he ends up being a total douche bag. Its exhausting and I don't want my life to go that way anymore. I just wish people were more honest and didn't claim to be someone they're not. As for me, I don't claim to be anybody I'm not. I'm not just  claiming to be honest, I actually am. Sometimes too fucking honest. I wish people would stop pretending to be someone they're not. If my exs would've said hi I'm a complete ass hole and I'm going to totally screw you over. That would've saved me some time. I feel like a loner in this city. Every day I hear about this person screwing over that one. I know its not just me. I just don't understand the men here. If you have a good girl, she's honest and willing to do anything to make you happy...does things for you without you having to ask...treats you like a king. WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU PASS THAT UP? If I could find a guy who had all the qualities I have, I would never let him go.

I don't understand. Guys often date girls who cheat, lie, create drama, and I'm thinking to myself, why does he go for that when he can have so much better? I'm not trying to sound cocky or anything its just I know I am not like other girls because I see how they act and I could never be like that. Hence why I don't hang out with any except...maybe 2.

I'm just too different for this city. I'm not a liar. I'm not a cheater. I'm not a clingy drama filled bitch who expects a guy to do everything for her. It just confuses me. I guess I just needed to get that out of my system. Now I feel better. I guess I'll just wait for "prince charming." I just don't get where all the honest good looking men have gone. Maybe they don't make that breed any more, like an awesome food in the store they stop selling. Oh, and I hate those stupid fairy tale movies. They fill children's heads with hopes and make life and love seem so easy and great. Fuck that. Sleeping Beauty? Yeah right, she'd be asleep for a day before "prince charming" went out and found the next broad at the club. The Little Mermaid? Yeah right he wouldn't turn her into a human he'd keep her ass in the water and find another bitch on land. I'm beginning to think an honest guy who's good looking doesn't exist. I feel like a dying breed myself.

Honest, good looking.. (I'm not conceited I just have confidence...most days.)
I don't fall for men's manipulative BULLSHIT either.
Typical scenario. Guy hurts girl. guy says "awh babe i love you i didn't mean it."
girl falls for bullshit line and takes guy back. girl gets fucked over again.

IF a guy loves you he would never hurt you in the first place. women need
to stop being so naive thinking a guy will change for you. sweet heart he didn't change he just
got better at lying. once a liar always a liar. Hence why I will never be like that. Liars are scum bags.