mind or heart?

Its raining, in a way the weather must've been meant to be. The clouds will do what my eyes refuse.

Its like attending a funeral for my own heart.  gag me, that sounds emo as fuck but I feel like today
I just realized, I can't always make things go the way I want. I can't force someone to care about me.
Sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.
I've completely given up now. I was driving down the high way
I left behind memories and it feels like I left my heart there too.
How can I feel this empty? In a city with so many people, the "good" people no longer exist.

My heart says don't give up just keep trying its all going to be okay.
Then my mind says.. (insert my real name here.) Nothing is going to change, you're better off walking away
than wasting more time and getting hurt over and over.

Why is walking away from someone we care about so hard? Its like an abusive owner hurting their dog. The dog sticks around with no way out. In this case I have a way out. I guess I am a hopeless romantic and a tiny piece of me hopes for change.

Its like a constant battle within myself, it keeps me awake at night. I have insomnia and I stay up all night thinking what ifs...it drives me crazy.


I don't post this for attention I post this for people to relate to. You're not alone. My life is ... upside down. My life story...get fucked over. meet someone new get fucked over. At least I keep my friends close. I have a few close friends I think I'm quite hard to get close to in real life. Only because I hate to admit it but I am afraid to get hurt. There's only so much a person can take you know?

I feel like I try to be the best person  I can be ... to my friends...to the person I like. Making sure they're safe, have a ride home, not out in the cold. Making sure they have food. I feel like I have wings on my back. Some people like to rip them off and beat me down but I just keep getting back up some how.

After all I've been through so many people say.. Wow how have you stayed alive and kept going? Honestly, I have no idea. Music...shopping...the few friends I have...family. Appreciating little things we don't ever really think about. My life isn't the worst. I'm blessed to have a few close friends family food..shelter. You know?


I guess I'll go with my mind and try to tell my heart to SHUT THE FUCK UP. I can't let myself be mistreated and manipulated. Its so hard when you care about someone and they don't see how lucky they are to have you. So many people here love to create rumors about me.. and call me mean things but I know who I am.

An honest, genuine, good hearted person who will never lie or hurt anyone because I would not want that done to me. I am a firm believer in "treat others how you want to be treated." Maybe it comes with maturity and life experience. I've changed so much since high school, even since last year. Wow, I feel old high school seems like an eternity ago. I don't talk to a single person from my high school. They all still claim they know who I am and how I am but the truth is Only 2 people besides my family REALLY know me and thats my two closest best friends. I just keep hoping things will get better but I don't know how I can make that change.