Sometimes I feel like giving up on love

So.. this summer, I met my "first love."
When I was younger I thought I had met my first love but I was wrong.
I've never loved someone so much before.

But I feel like giving up.
He doesn't love me back, and it kills me every day. It is possibly THE worst feeling in the world.
When the person you love is mean to you it feels like someone's shooting you and the world is ending.
If he was loyal to me and faithful to me, how I was to him and would be if we were together, I would do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING for him. That's how I am when a guy is my boyfriend. I treat him like a king. He's not even willing to try.

Mean while, other guys ALWAYSSSS tell me, "You're such a sweet girl you're so pretty who would give you up! Is he stupid!?" Why is it, other men who I'm not interested can see what I have to offer. I'm not conceited or anything but, I don't think I'm ugly. I'm very nice unless you hurt me or someone I love. (THEN I'll set it the fuck off, it will be world war three...yes white bitches can be crazy too.) I'm honest, lying is pointless and liars disgust me. Everyone always finds out the truth anyway so lying gets you no where in life. (write that down if you lie. it's a good lesson to learn.) I'm bluntly honest actually. I'm faithful I wouldn't cheat because cheating is also gross. Why be with someone if you're just going to be a whore? If you can't be with just one person you have a maturity problem. Unfortunately some people never grow out of this. Its annoying. I'm ready for something real. It frustrates me. He jokes around saying sarcastically "you're the love of my life." It hurts. Its like dangling the thing you want most in your life right in front of you and then ripping it away. How is it someone can mean the world to me, but I mean less than a bug in the grass to him.

It annoys me to no end that he hasn't even given us a chance. I now have his child growing every day in my stomach. I always wanted my child to have both parents. Its upsetting. If he would just stop screwing all the girls in the neighborhood and stop whoring around and just have something real with me I would do anything for him.

He expects me to buy him all these things and do nice things for him but he fucks other girls. THAT makes sense. A man deserves to be spoiled and treated like a king if he is mine and mine alone. If I am not enough than he doesn't deserve my best. Why give your best to someone who can't give theirs?

I hope one day he understands this concept. and sees what he is actually missing out on. I am not like most girls. i HATE drama. I do not claim to be honest and then lie. I ACTUALLY AM HONEST. I am only mean when he says "I'm gonna go fuck this girl!" Then I tell him fuck yourself. Because he doesn't understand how much I really love him and what he says actually hurts me and makes me feel physically sick.

We only ever fight when he starts it. another concept he doesn't understand. If he would just take a second to hear me out. . . ugh whatever. I am so tired of hoping to be loved back. I just want to be loved for me. He refuses to try. Why ..? I don't know. I hate when guys think being a man whore is attractive. Its not. It just makes me think EW please get yourself to the nearest clinic.



All I want to know is. WHY THE FUCK would you pass up a pretty honest loyal girl who will love you and put up with your bad moods. all you have to do is not flirt with other girls or fuck them and you'd be treated like a king. whats so hard about that? monogamy is dead. Maybe I am the only one who believes in true love anymore. I only need one person. if one is enough for me, why is it not enough for him?

I don't bitch. I don't nag. The only time I ever get mad is when he flirts with other girls or fucks them. Who wouldn't be hurt by that when you love someone?


and yes. this is about you. I hope you read it.




 whatever. i'm done writing this. now Im pissed off all over again. people piss me off.
this is my diary as real as it gets. . . I would be happy If i was loved back. Instead I wake up every day feeling empty. I don't give a flying fuck if that sounds emo. You try having the person you love not give a fuck about you. It is among the worst feelings I've ever felt in my life Sure other guys hit on me, but its not the same. Not the same as the person you love. I don't even know why I love him so much I can't describe it. I just do.

life changing a lot

I can't believe how much my life is changing.
What used to seem important doesn't really matter anymore.
Victoria's Secret used to be my life.
Over priced clothing...really.
In early January I found out I'm pregnant.
My Dad wanted me to get an abortion. My whole family actually.
I was thrown out of my house and my car was taken. The car I intended on paying my dad back for.
oh well. I wasn't going to give up on a baby's life and always have to wonder what my child would've been like.

This whole...situation really allowed me to see who my real friends are. Many friends turned their backs on me. For what reason I'm not sure. Two of my friends, Jessie and Steph have been like my angels. They took me in. I now live with them and they have been helping me all along. Jessie's Mom has been amazing to me too. Without them I would be in the streets and have no way to get to my job or anything. I feel so lucky to have them. Already my priorities have changed. Instead of getting 50 dollar pants that 50 dollars goes toward baby clothes and diapers. I'm only 9 weeks but I still want to be as prepared as possible. My baby's father won't be in the picture that just motivates me to be an even better mom. 

I was thinking to myself today. HA! i have a hard enough time finding a man who's NOT a lying ass hole. Not only will I have to worry about myself but finding a man who doesn't mind if you have a child? Psh. Rochester men...I have yet to meet a man who isn't a man whore or a lying user. This wasn't an expected baby but I can already see how much it is impacting my life. Going out drinking isn't important, over priced clothes, I learned who my true friends are.


I just feel like a strong person for being thrown out, having my vehicle taken, losing friends, losing contact with family, but I am still fighting for my baby. I won't give up on an innocent child who deserves a chance and life, and a chance to be happy and healthy. I am SO thankful to all the sweet people who write to me on facebook. Especially after I have had a bad day. Even a small compliment coming from a stranger on facebook or one of my facebook regulars brightens my day. So if you're reading this, thank you. You do make a difference in my day.