Sometimes I feel like giving up on love

So.. this summer, I met my "first love."
When I was younger I thought I had met my first love but I was wrong.
I've never loved someone so much before.

But I feel like giving up.
He doesn't love me back, and it kills me every day. It is possibly THE worst feeling in the world.
When the person you love is mean to you it feels like someone's shooting you and the world is ending.
If he was loyal to me and faithful to me, how I was to him and would be if we were together, I would do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING for him. That's how I am when a guy is my boyfriend. I treat him like a king. He's not even willing to try.

Mean while, other guys ALWAYSSSS tell me, "You're such a sweet girl you're so pretty who would give you up! Is he stupid!?" Why is it, other men who I'm not interested can see what I have to offer. I'm not conceited or anything but, I don't think I'm ugly. I'm very nice unless you hurt me or someone I love. (THEN I'll set it the fuck off, it will be world war three...yes white bitches can be crazy too.) I'm honest, lying is pointless and liars disgust me. Everyone always finds out the truth anyway so lying gets you no where in life. (write that down if you lie. it's a good lesson to learn.) I'm bluntly honest actually. I'm faithful I wouldn't cheat because cheating is also gross. Why be with someone if you're just going to be a whore? If you can't be with just one person you have a maturity problem. Unfortunately some people never grow out of this. Its annoying. I'm ready for something real. It frustrates me. He jokes around saying sarcastically "you're the love of my life." It hurts. Its like dangling the thing you want most in your life right in front of you and then ripping it away. How is it someone can mean the world to me, but I mean less than a bug in the grass to him.

It annoys me to no end that he hasn't even given us a chance. I now have his child growing every day in my stomach. I always wanted my child to have both parents. Its upsetting. If he would just stop screwing all the girls in the neighborhood and stop whoring around and just have something real with me I would do anything for him.

He expects me to buy him all these things and do nice things for him but he fucks other girls. THAT makes sense. A man deserves to be spoiled and treated like a king if he is mine and mine alone. If I am not enough than he doesn't deserve my best. Why give your best to someone who can't give theirs?

I hope one day he understands this concept. and sees what he is actually missing out on. I am not like most girls. i HATE drama. I do not claim to be honest and then lie. I ACTUALLY AM HONEST. I am only mean when he says "I'm gonna go fuck this girl!" Then I tell him fuck yourself. Because he doesn't understand how much I really love him and what he says actually hurts me and makes me feel physically sick.

We only ever fight when he starts it. another concept he doesn't understand. If he would just take a second to hear me out. . . ugh whatever. I am so tired of hoping to be loved back. I just want to be loved for me. He refuses to try. Why ..? I don't know. I hate when guys think being a man whore is attractive. Its not. It just makes me think EW please get yourself to the nearest clinic.



All I want to know is. WHY THE FUCK would you pass up a pretty honest loyal girl who will love you and put up with your bad moods. all you have to do is not flirt with other girls or fuck them and you'd be treated like a king. whats so hard about that? monogamy is dead. Maybe I am the only one who believes in true love anymore. I only need one person. if one is enough for me, why is it not enough for him?

I don't bitch. I don't nag. The only time I ever get mad is when he flirts with other girls or fucks them. Who wouldn't be hurt by that when you love someone?


and yes. this is about you. I hope you read it.




 whatever. i'm done writing this. now Im pissed off all over again. people piss me off.
this is my diary as real as it gets. . . I would be happy If i was loved back. Instead I wake up every day feeling empty. I don't give a flying fuck if that sounds emo. You try having the person you love not give a fuck about you. It is among the worst feelings I've ever felt in my life Sure other guys hit on me, but its not the same. Not the same as the person you love. I don't even know why I love him so much I can't describe it. I just do.

life changing a lot

I can't believe how much my life is changing.
What used to seem important doesn't really matter anymore.
Victoria's Secret used to be my life.
Over priced clothing...really.
In early January I found out I'm pregnant.
My Dad wanted me to get an abortion. My whole family actually.
I was thrown out of my house and my car was taken. The car I intended on paying my dad back for.
oh well. I wasn't going to give up on a baby's life and always have to wonder what my child would've been like.

This whole...situation really allowed me to see who my real friends are. Many friends turned their backs on me. For what reason I'm not sure. Two of my friends, Jessie and Steph have been like my angels. They took me in. I now live with them and they have been helping me all along. Jessie's Mom has been amazing to me too. Without them I would be in the streets and have no way to get to my job or anything. I feel so lucky to have them. Already my priorities have changed. Instead of getting 50 dollar pants that 50 dollars goes toward baby clothes and diapers. I'm only 9 weeks but I still want to be as prepared as possible. My baby's father won't be in the picture that just motivates me to be an even better mom. 

I was thinking to myself today. HA! i have a hard enough time finding a man who's NOT a lying ass hole. Not only will I have to worry about myself but finding a man who doesn't mind if you have a child? Psh. Rochester men...I have yet to meet a man who isn't a man whore or a lying user. This wasn't an expected baby but I can already see how much it is impacting my life. Going out drinking isn't important, over priced clothes, I learned who my true friends are.


I just feel like a strong person for being thrown out, having my vehicle taken, losing friends, losing contact with family, but I am still fighting for my baby. I won't give up on an innocent child who deserves a chance and life, and a chance to be happy and healthy. I am SO thankful to all the sweet people who write to me on facebook. Especially after I have had a bad day. Even a small compliment coming from a stranger on facebook or one of my facebook regulars brightens my day. So if you're reading this, thank you. You do make a difference in my day.

Polkadots: how I was created..

When I was younger I realized I didn't want to fit that..suburban kid mould. My parents wanted me to be this cookie cutter A+ student.

Polkadots was a fantasy character of myself I envisioned in my head. I wanted to stand up for what was right. I decided to say fuck the rules everyone else created I'm making MY OWN FUCKING RULE BOOK. That's exactly what I did. I put aside what everyone else would think and I did it for myself. How I look is not for attention I did what I was comfortable for me. Polkadots came to life. I never thought.. she'd become a real life character. I never thought I'd have the guts to do it. I recently cut my hair so its more fuzzy and 3D and changed my make up. I've retired the blue eye shadow. fuck that shit. Polkadots 2.0 has arrived. New style. New Swaggggg<3
Polkadots was my alter ego. I actually never had a name for her but in high school. . I used to wear polkadots a lot so the nickname stuck when other people called me Polkadots. Like nicki minaj I have different personalities. Some days I wants pink and sparkles and other days I want bats and coffins. I always love rap and rock. I'm a fucking music junkie. Music keeps me alive. I write a lot of lyrics.  I remember when I wanted to shop in hot topic my parents said no you're not a gothic freak. Clothing does not make me who I am... I grew up watching nightmare before christmas every day after pre school.

If I ever die...which some day I will. I want people to remember what I stood for. Anti Racism. Anti Homophobe. Accept everyone. Do not judge people without knowing them. Be yourself and as long as you love who you are thats what truly matters. Who wants ignorant judgmental people for friends any way? I certainly don't. I will not judge somebody until I get to know them for myself. You know why? SO many people have judged me and created rumors without getting to know me. I know how shitty it feels so I will never do it to anybody else. I used to be put on internet tabloids, full of hurtful things people would say about me. At first I was hurt then I realized, these people don't know me and if they actually got to know the real me they wouldn't say those terrible things. I am nothing like people assume I am. People think oh she's some scene suburban girl. Not AT ALL. i hate scene music and all that shit. i live for rap. i do listen to old school rock .. well linkin park three days grace..that stuff. I love being in the hood of my city. You know why? People are real out there. they actually work for shit they have...they're not spoiled ass holes who expect things to be handed to them I like real ass guys .. puerto ricans..black guys who look like wiz khalifa and chris brown <3 :] yummm. okay well im sippin so i better go. haha

mind or heart?

Its raining, in a way the weather must've been meant to be. The clouds will do what my eyes refuse.

Its like attending a funeral for my own heart.  gag me, that sounds emo as fuck but I feel like today
I just realized, I can't always make things go the way I want. I can't force someone to care about me.
Sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.
I've completely given up now. I was driving down the high way
I left behind memories and it feels like I left my heart there too.
How can I feel this empty? In a city with so many people, the "good" people no longer exist.

My heart says don't give up just keep trying its all going to be okay.
Then my mind says.. (insert my real name here.) Nothing is going to change, you're better off walking away
than wasting more time and getting hurt over and over.

Why is walking away from someone we care about so hard? Its like an abusive owner hurting their dog. The dog sticks around with no way out. In this case I have a way out. I guess I am a hopeless romantic and a tiny piece of me hopes for change.

Its like a constant battle within myself, it keeps me awake at night. I have insomnia and I stay up all night thinking what ifs...it drives me crazy.


I don't post this for attention I post this for people to relate to. You're not alone. My life is ... upside down. My life story...get fucked over. meet someone new get fucked over. At least I keep my friends close. I have a few close friends I think I'm quite hard to get close to in real life. Only because I hate to admit it but I am afraid to get hurt. There's only so much a person can take you know?

I feel like I try to be the best person  I can be ... to my friends...to the person I like. Making sure they're safe, have a ride home, not out in the cold. Making sure they have food. I feel like I have wings on my back. Some people like to rip them off and beat me down but I just keep getting back up some how.

After all I've been through so many people say.. Wow how have you stayed alive and kept going? Honestly, I have no idea. Music...shopping...the few friends I have...family. Appreciating little things we don't ever really think about. My life isn't the worst. I'm blessed to have a few close friends family food..shelter. You know?


I guess I'll go with my mind and try to tell my heart to SHUT THE FUCK UP. I can't let myself be mistreated and manipulated. Its so hard when you care about someone and they don't see how lucky they are to have you. So many people here love to create rumors about me.. and call me mean things but I know who I am.

An honest, genuine, good hearted person who will never lie or hurt anyone because I would not want that done to me. I am a firm believer in "treat others how you want to be treated." Maybe it comes with maturity and life experience. I've changed so much since high school, even since last year. Wow, I feel old high school seems like an eternity ago. I don't talk to a single person from my high school. They all still claim they know who I am and how I am but the truth is Only 2 people besides my family REALLY know me and thats my two closest best friends. I just keep hoping things will get better but I don't know how I can make that change.

Relationships, love, and bullshit.

So I'm sitting here. Plenty of time to think because I'm at home and I'm sick. (FML.)
The more I think about everything..the more I realize.
 I just keep replaying thoughts over and over.
Not many girls are out there that are like me.
Maybe a few but I know for a fact they don't live in my city.
Anyways, I am the type of person when I care about somebody, I do EVERYTHING for them.
I go above and beyond. For example, my ex. . . I cleaned his house watched his kid, took care of his friends, his pets. EVERYTHING. I gave him rides to places when he needed them. What did I get in return? LIED TO.
No longer will I be somebody's door mat they can just walk all over.
Why should I put in so much effort only to get nothing in return. Don't I deserve someone who appreciates everything I do? I look at it this way. I don't take people for granted. You know why? Someone could leave the house tomorrow and die in a car accident and the last memory you'll have is you treating that person like shit. Its scary to think we could all die at any time but, I don't sugar coat shit. I'm a realistic person.
I'm tired of guys taking me for granted. I feel like my city is doomed. Where are the men who actually care about relationships and don't just use people? Is it so much to ask for a sexy guy with a good personality. You can never win. Its like my life is a cycle. Meet a cute guy...start to fall for him he ends up being a total douche bag. Its exhausting and I don't want my life to go that way anymore. I just wish people were more honest and didn't claim to be someone they're not. As for me, I don't claim to be anybody I'm not. I'm not just  claiming to be honest, I actually am. Sometimes too fucking honest. I wish people would stop pretending to be someone they're not. If my exs would've said hi I'm a complete ass hole and I'm going to totally screw you over. That would've saved me some time. I feel like a loner in this city. Every day I hear about this person screwing over that one. I know its not just me. I just don't understand the men here. If you have a good girl, she's honest and willing to do anything to make you happy...does things for you without you having to ask...treats you like a king. WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU PASS THAT UP? If I could find a guy who had all the qualities I have, I would never let him go.

I don't understand. Guys often date girls who cheat, lie, create drama, and I'm thinking to myself, why does he go for that when he can have so much better? I'm not trying to sound cocky or anything its just I know I am not like other girls because I see how they act and I could never be like that. Hence why I don't hang out with any except...maybe 2.

I'm just too different for this city. I'm not a liar. I'm not a cheater. I'm not a clingy drama filled bitch who expects a guy to do everything for her. It just confuses me. I guess I just needed to get that out of my system. Now I feel better. I guess I'll just wait for "prince charming." I just don't get where all the honest good looking men have gone. Maybe they don't make that breed any more, like an awesome food in the store they stop selling. Oh, and I hate those stupid fairy tale movies. They fill children's heads with hopes and make life and love seem so easy and great. Fuck that. Sleeping Beauty? Yeah right, she'd be asleep for a day before "prince charming" went out and found the next broad at the club. The Little Mermaid? Yeah right he wouldn't turn her into a human he'd keep her ass in the water and find another bitch on land. I'm beginning to think an honest guy who's good looking doesn't exist. I feel like a dying breed myself.

Honest, good looking.. (I'm not conceited I just have confidence...most days.)
I don't fall for men's manipulative BULLSHIT either.
Typical scenario. Guy hurts girl. guy says "awh babe i love you i didn't mean it."
girl falls for bullshit line and takes guy back. girl gets fucked over again.

IF a guy loves you he would never hurt you in the first place. women need
to stop being so naive thinking a guy will change for you. sweet heart he didn't change he just
got better at lying. once a liar always a liar. Hence why I will never be like that. Liars are scum bags.

not what a girl wants. what this girl wants

So I'm on facebook, I get this gross message. "Hey you're hot wanna F***."
Reply: BLOCK BUTTON.
Guys, is that supposed to impress a girl?

I don't even get a... you know... Hey my name is....I liked your page I'd like to get to know you and talk to you sometime?

What..is the world just becoming a place for just sex? What happened to relationships?
If you're trying to impress me, you failed. Sorry! I'm not just about hooking up. I would like to find someone worth my time. Ugh. I was actually disgusted. Sorry, if you're that easy you may want to go to a local std testing clinic. Secondly, over facebook? You've got to be kidding meeee. How desperate. Ick. I hate online creepers. I get plently of the "hey you're hot" messages. Most of them never get a response. Ever. Being a whore isn't going to impress me.

If a guy wants to impress me....its not too hard. Someone who is attractive, has a good personality, and not a whore? Not just a hey wanna F***? Last I checked I'm not standing on a corner. I'm too old for the stupid.. lets see how many girls we can get game that  immature guys like to play. I won't be someone's door mat either. I feel like more girls need to have self respect. Sure bikini pictures and stuff are okay, thats not trashy. There are girls who have just their hands covering their boobs posted on facebook. Come on now. As for me I have bra photos but thats as far as it goes. Let me explain, girls wear bikinis outside, my bra is my bikini. I wouldn't ever get naked though and post the pictures online like some girls actually have.  Plus i take pride in my Victoria's Secret bras. I'm not doing "dirty" poses or anything I kinda just took them for myself because I like to be proud of my body. It's not like my boobs are showing or anything. Girls who have naked pictures online.. ick. So when you go home to your guy its not special because everyone has seen your crotch.

When I date a guy I treat him like a king. Now its just about meeting a guy who is worthy of that treatment.

Bottom line. The world is not just about sex. Sure sex is great, but what happened to relationships? No one has morals these days its like everyone cheats on everyone and I'm sitting here thinking to myself what is happening to the world?!!? Where have all the relationship worthy men gone!? Even relationship worthy girls for the guys!!! A lot of girls I have seen here are either too into drama, act psycho, or are slutty. I'm none of those, thank god. I can't really hang out with girls because I could  never be like that. I'm girly but I'm not catty bitchy or slutty. I'm not saying all girls are like that just most I know of. Its no wonder everyones getting screwed over. Sometimes literally. People claim to be honest when in reality they're some of the biggest liars I've ever met. For example, my most recent ex (name remains anonymous) told me "bae i keep it 100 all the time I'll never lie to you Ima gentleman." PFFFFFFFFT that lasted two weeks. Until I caught him talking to some heavy girl behind my back. I give credit where it is due. I suppose if she was pretty with a decent personality I would feel bad. All I could do was laugh. She randomly attacked me over facebook telling me I couldn't talk to him at all and he was with her now. Can you be any more immature? I didn't even know who she was and she wasn't even on my friend list! They lasted about a week. I was pretty upset at first then I realized I deserve a REAL man not someone who just CLAIMS TO BE REAL.

So all I'm saying is, If you want to impress someone, be yourself and sorry but being a liar and a whore will not get you far. At least not in my book.

this makes you think

UGH this computer is as slow as a turtle.
UGH I have so many bills to pay.
UGH I'm chilly but I don't feel like getting a hoodie.
UGH I don't feel like working tomorrow.
UGH I'm single and most of the guys here are liars!!!!!!!
Typical complaints right?

Think of this. Some days, I do this too, even the smallest problem can seem so big.
At least you have a home, a roof over your head.
At least you have food in your stomach, you have clothes.
At least you have a job! (well, maybe not if you're not old enough but you'll get there, enjoy the freedom of a social life while you can.)
At least you have this computer you're on right now to read this.
Some people are DYING of starvation. Some people are DYING of cancer. Some people don't even have arms and legs. Often I find myself taking small things for granted that we normally don't notice. Yes I have.. tons of stress in my life but I guess I'm trying to find a way to make things alright.

Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and not feel good enough. Then I remember, the person who made me feel that way is no better than I am. No one is superior to anyone else. If someone doesn't treat you how you should be treated chances are they don't deserve you anyways. I guess all I'm trying to say is don't take people or things for granted. One day someone may be here and the next they're gone. Its scary isn't it?

I admit it being single can totally suck a** sometimes but I'm still hoping there's someone out there.
Believe me, I've had my fair share of liars and cheaters. Still, I haven't given up on EVERYONE. Maybe he's not in Rochester New York but I know not every guy is a lying scum bag.